I have overestimated society…

A text message conversation:

Me: Thing I have learned: if you go to a bar alone they give you liberal pours of wine
Boyfriend: Certainly with an ass like that
Me: They can’t even see my ass because I’m sitting behind the bar
Boyfriend:  That ass surrounds the bar (something to do with relativity) 
Me: Hey! No need to be mean…
Boyfriend: I meant in a good way!

And then the check arrives…  

A Woman’s Thought Process

It doesn’t matter how many guys in the previous half hour have offered her an unneeded ride, asked her if she’s single, honked and shouted “DAMN!” (or the Spanish or Armenian equivalent), given her free rosemary fries at the farmer’s market, or called her “honey” while waiting at the same crosswalk with her, it’s the one asshole that shouts “Put on some pants!” as she walks back to her car that a woman will remember.  And that incident will ruin her day.*

Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.  Dudes, you should be even more outraged, especially those of you who like to make women feel beautiful by complimenting them, because one of your own gender is ruining it for the rest of you!  Support self-confident women.  They’re more fun to talk to (and more likely to wear short skirts again in the future.)

*Something that the shock of finding out her ex-boyfriend just got engaged to someone barely 22-years-old without a college education was not able to completely do, mind you.

Why Most People Suck at Giving Relationship Advice

The other day I wasn’t seeing eye to eye with the boy. I was on the phone with my friend Amy (discussing other things) when all of a sudden I just blurted it all out - everything I was feeling, my overall relationship fears, what was frustrating me, etc. To my surprise, it was a very helpful conversation!

Usually I don’t share much about my personal life, especially when I’m going through a tough time. I’ve found that most people (even very close friends) focus on the negative things you’re saying, and offer extremely pessimistic advice. They tell you that the other person is no good, that you deserve better, there are other fish in the sea, it sounds like you’re not that into them, blah, blah, blah, blah… Frankly it’s not helpful, and worse it’s confusing. You’re venting to your friends because there are problems, and you know that, but you still love the person and you just need someone to listen to your side, and support you whatever you decide. Maybe help you see things from another perspective. But it seems like, more often than not, our “friends” advise us to end things with our partners.

This is something I’d been contemplating for a while, so when Amy said she hoped she wasn’t being too pessimistic, because she’d noticed that people have a tendency to do that when giving relationship advice, I felt relieved and vindicated in some way. It wasn’t just me and my friends! This was a problem that everyone experienced (well, at least amongst us 20-somethings.) So then I started to think about why. Why do these people who love us constantly think we should be breaking up with our partners (even knowing how much it will hurt us?) Here are my (completely unscientific/unprofessional) theories:

Parents: Parents can’t stand to see anything hurt their children, so the moment we tell them things are less than perfect they go into protective mood, and try to remove whatever is hurting us… In relationships, that’s our partner. And since parents always think of us, in some way, as children, they can never imagine that our relationships are “that serious” so ending them couldn’t possibly cause us more harm than being in them can.

Single Friends: Honestly, it sort of sucks to be the “single friend” when everyone else is in a couple. So single friends are constantly trying to recruit people to join their ranks, so they have someone to call on friday night to go hang out at a bar and pick up boys/girls.

Newly-in-Love Friends: (as in, less than a year). When you’re newly in love with someone, it’s bliss! You feel like you’re going through something so amazing that no one else has ever felt it before. And no one ever will again. No one else’s love could ever compare yours. That a friend might have even an inkling of a problem with a significant other means their love is just not as pure as yours, and therefore not worth it. Tell them to end it now and find someone else (with whom they might live up to 85% of your love’s love with.)

Long-Term Relationship/Married Friends: They’re happy, but more in that contented way. They’re not going to end their relationships, but can’t help but sometimes nostalgically think that the grass is greener… So they like to have single friends to live vicariously through. And hey, if you break up with your boy/girl friend you’ll soon have all sorts of fun/pathetic stories to tell them! And then they can go home and sleep in their big, comfy beds they share with their partners and realize how good they have it.

Bitter/Newly-Single Friends: They are convinced love is a sham and relationships never ever ever work. Wouldn’t you much prefer to drown your sorrows with them, wearing all black and crying on the inside?

Friend Who Has a Not-So-Secret Crush on You: Because even though you’ve told them you’re not into them in “that way” they still hang around, trying to appear as innocent and sweet as possible as they say underhanded things about your current partner. (Alas, this is not a problem that I am having at the moment…)

In the past couple months (since I had these realizations) I’ve been trying to be a better listener, and really understand what my friends are saying, and really support them in whatever they think is best. I’ve also been lucky enough to find a couple of my own friends who do the same. Perhaps it’s just a maturity thing? I dunno… I used to have only one person I felt I could talk to about my love life. Now I’m lucky enough that I might have three!

Be good to your friends, in love or not.

I would do anything for love… when I’m 30

We all have expectations placed on our lives, by society, our family, our culture, our friends. One interesting expectation I’ve come to notice in the last several years is that young, college educated people (minus those heavily involved in religious organizations) seem to feel this pressure to make love the last priority in their lives until they’re in their late 20s or early 30s.

We look down on those who marry young, making snide comments about how they’ll end up divorced in 5 years. If a job or other opportunity comes along in another state, we feel pressure to take it. Because love can wait. Our careers, we’ve been taught, cannot.

Similarly, it’s perfectly acceptable to uproot ourselves and move to a new town, or even country, because of a career opportunity, family, education, need for change in scenery, or just a whim. But move to be with someone you love and you get warnings from friends and family, telling you you’re making a mistake.

Young men are supposed to sleep around, bouncing from girl to girl. I’ve had several boyfriends whose mothers disliked me, not because I’m a bad person or I did something to offend them, but because they thought their sons were getting too serious about me when they should be out playing the field.

Young women are supposed to be serial monogamists, involving themselves in a series of relationships (because, in most cases, they’re still whores if they just sleep around), but not batting an eyebrow when things are over.

I’m certainly a victim of these expectations - I went into my first serious relationship knowing that I wouldn’t be with the guy forever, not because there was anything wrong with him (he was very kind, intelligent, and fun) but because I didn’t see myself as the “type” who would end up with her first love.

And I know the statistics and the research - many more people who marry young end up divorced. Most likely because psychologically, our brains and personality aren’t fully developed until we’re in our mid 20s, which can lead to conflict if one partner “changes” during the course of a relationship.

But marriage is a legal (and sometimes religious) document. We fall in love despite it. But if we try to, heaven forbid, work to make our love last before we hit the big 3-0 we’re seen as naive and shortsighted. Because who wants happiness when there’s so much money to be made?!

I, for one, am going to do my best to override expectations. Life is an adventure and I want to experience all parts of it.