In which I have depressing thoughts

I wrote this a few nights ago but hesitated posting because it seemed really depressing… after rereading I have confirmed that fact, but I also believe that there’s some inherent life truth hidden in my musings (self call?) so decided to post anyway.  Happy Spring Break!!!

Last night on Facebook I noticed a photo tagged of three of my college friends - three friends that also live in Los Angeles - all hanging out together and generally looking happy.  Two of these friends used to be my roommates and the other was a member of my small, tight-knit college improv group; none of them were ever my closest confidants, but neither were they mere acquaintances.  And yet in the past year I think I’ve only actually seen one of them, and that was briefly and over six months ago.

Yes, we all move on with our lives and make new friends and find new paths and interests, but something about seeing these three individuals all spending time together, without me, likely not having a second thought about me, makes me sad.  It also makes me wonder if everything I had believed about our friendships was a lie.

I should probably contextualize: all of these friends were also mutual friends with an ex, an ex with whom I am not on good terms.  And for a variety of reasons - they’re all male and, as a female, I’m the odd one out, they’re all pursuing comedy professionally while I’ve chosen a different post-graduation path, they’ve continued to be roommates with my ex/each other while I have not - my ex seems to have laid claim to them post fall-out.  I’ve tried to maintain the ties by inviting them to events and sending occasional emails, but these invites have never been reciprocated and the responses to my messages have become so few and far between that I rarely try anymore.

My good friend, Amy, has a philosophy on friendship: if the other person is not willing to make as much of an effort to maintain the relationship as you are, then they’re not worth having as a friend.  I agree with her, yet somehow seeing these people I care about slip noiselessly out of my life is very distressing.  No matter how old I get, that 13-year-old girl with crippling self doubt still exists in a a tiny part of me.  While I can list all the logical reasons why friendship with my ex was just easier for them, losing my friends makes me wonder if all those happy memories I have of times spent together making comedic shorts or laughing with/at Food Court Larry were simply illusions, images I constructed in my head to be something more than they were.

Memory is a peculiar beast: self-selecting and extremely subjective.  Looking back can be fun and nostalgic, but it also has a darker side.  I guess all I can do is to continue to believe that there were good times and that I am (and was) a likable person.  I have many wonderful people in my life right now, and I am happy with the path I’m currently following.