Why Most People Suck at Giving Relationship Advice

The other day I wasn’t seeing eye to eye with the boy. I was on the phone with my friend Amy (discussing other things) when all of a sudden I just blurted it all out - everything I was feeling, my overall relationship fears, what was frustrating me, etc. To my surprise, it was a very helpful conversation!

Usually I don’t share much about my personal life, especially when I’m going through a tough time. I’ve found that most people (even very close friends) focus on the negative things you’re saying, and offer extremely pessimistic advice. They tell you that the other person is no good, that you deserve better, there are other fish in the sea, it sounds like you’re not that into them, blah, blah, blah, blah… Frankly it’s not helpful, and worse it’s confusing. You’re venting to your friends because there are problems, and you know that, but you still love the person and you just need someone to listen to your side, and support you whatever you decide. Maybe help you see things from another perspective. But it seems like, more often than not, our “friends” advise us to end things with our partners.

This is something I’d been contemplating for a while, so when Amy said she hoped she wasn’t being too pessimistic, because she’d noticed that people have a tendency to do that when giving relationship advice, I felt relieved and vindicated in some way. It wasn’t just me and my friends! This was a problem that everyone experienced (well, at least amongst us 20-somethings.) So then I started to think about why. Why do these people who love us constantly think we should be breaking up with our partners (even knowing how much it will hurt us?) Here are my (completely unscientific/unprofessional) theories:

Parents: Parents can’t stand to see anything hurt their children, so the moment we tell them things are less than perfect they go into protective mood, and try to remove whatever is hurting us… In relationships, that’s our partner. And since parents always think of us, in some way, as children, they can never imagine that our relationships are “that serious” so ending them couldn’t possibly cause us more harm than being in them can.

Single Friends: Honestly, it sort of sucks to be the “single friend” when everyone else is in a couple. So single friends are constantly trying to recruit people to join their ranks, so they have someone to call on friday night to go hang out at a bar and pick up boys/girls.

Newly-in-Love Friends: (as in, less than a year). When you’re newly in love with someone, it’s bliss! You feel like you’re going through something so amazing that no one else has ever felt it before. And no one ever will again. No one else’s love could ever compare yours. That a friend might have even an inkling of a problem with a significant other means their love is just not as pure as yours, and therefore not worth it. Tell them to end it now and find someone else (with whom they might live up to 85% of your love’s love with.)

Long-Term Relationship/Married Friends: They’re happy, but more in that contented way. They’re not going to end their relationships, but can’t help but sometimes nostalgically think that the grass is greener… So they like to have single friends to live vicariously through. And hey, if you break up with your boy/girl friend you’ll soon have all sorts of fun/pathetic stories to tell them! And then they can go home and sleep in their big, comfy beds they share with their partners and realize how good they have it.

Bitter/Newly-Single Friends: They are convinced love is a sham and relationships never ever ever work. Wouldn’t you much prefer to drown your sorrows with them, wearing all black and crying on the inside?

Friend Who Has a Not-So-Secret Crush on You: Because even though you’ve told them you’re not into them in “that way” they still hang around, trying to appear as innocent and sweet as possible as they say underhanded things about your current partner. (Alas, this is not a problem that I am having at the moment…)

In the past couple months (since I had these realizations) I’ve been trying to be a better listener, and really understand what my friends are saying, and really support them in whatever they think is best. I’ve also been lucky enough to find a couple of my own friends who do the same. Perhaps it’s just a maturity thing? I dunno… I used to have only one person I felt I could talk to about my love life. Now I’m lucky enough that I might have three!

Be good to your friends, in love or not.